I have come across this website about being single and it has prompted me to reflect on how I feel about being single?
In all honesty my response can change on any given day - today is different to yesterday and will vary again tomorrow. My view depends on my hormones, my state of mind, and/or my interactions with a man (or men) on that particular day; you get my drift!
Today I went to a one day personal development workshop to learn about how to make myself happy! I sat in a room full of women; they had either had some form of cancer, experienced trauma in the past, were in remission from cancer, or were there to learn how to help their children to be happy – their child/children had behavioural/psychological problems that the woman was struggling to know how to deal with.
Overall they were sitting in that room because their lives had become so overwhelming that they were not taking care of themselves and needed a reminder. It was an amazing day and very empowering. How does this have anything to do with the purpose of my blog? I promise it does...hang in there with me!
The first 1.5 hours of that workshop I sat there listening to their stories and sobbed quietly; reflecting on how painful their experiences were. I cried at how guilty I felt about being so caught up and worrying about my life which had involved none of the shit they had gone through. And then I cried thinking back to my reality...the beliefs, thoughts and feelings that I experience daily in my life; a lot of which has to do with being single.
I dislike being single. I dislike being alone. There are nights when I cry myself to sleep because I feel as though my heart is hurting. Hurting; from not having anyone or not knowing when and if I will EVER meet them. I have gone to numerous clairvoyants, a medium, tarot readers and astrology people who all confirm that I will meet him…and to not worry.
I have tried to seek comfort in this information and I try to remind myself not to worry about it and that fate will take its place and I will meet him when I am meant to.
It is hard not to question yourself when you are in your early to mid 30s. Other people my age are going onto their 2nd or 3rd kid. In my opinion people who, growing up, didn’t behave as respectfully and appropriately as I had. They took drugs and slept around with many guys, none of which I did, yet they got to meet someone and moved on with their life.
What am I forgetting here? There is nothing to say that these people are happy! There is nothing to say that there isn’t domestic violence in their homes, or emotional and verbal abuse. I don’t wish this upon anybody, however whenever I get into the state of mind where I think ‘why is everyone doing this and not me’.
I remind myself of the book I once read called ‘The Happiness Trap’ which mentions that just because people behave like their world is perfect on the outside when they are out in public, it doesn’t mean that this is true when they go home at night! So that is a reality check for me when I start to feel sorry for myself.
I do admit that I ask myself the following questions:
What is wrong with me?
Why am I still single?
Why do I keep on meeting men that are wrong for me?
Why do I keep on meeting nice men that are unavailable for me how I would like them to be?
More so in the last couple of months – Why am I attracting married men who are not getting any service at home!
Why am I attracting men that are divorced with kids and have commitment issues – or who don’t know what they want! They need to teach males how to communicate in P.E class because they don’t seem to get it when they grow up!
What about those guys that are mummy’s boys who might as well still be breastfeeding!
Each of these guys is a whole blog discussion in itself! But for now i want to remain positive and reflect on the amazing experience I had at the workshop today. It has left me feeling very positive about being single and for my future....for now!
The men that have come in and out of my life have done so for a reason. I know that it didn’t feel like it at the time, in fact, at the time I felt like my world was falling apart and I thought that I would NEVER meet anyone else. Well I did meet someone else, I met plenty of someone else’s (who weren’t meant for me but that’s beside the point).
However, with the men that I did date for sometime and considered spending the rest of my life with; something always happened which led to it not working out. I demonstrated great strength to walk away from relationships that were not real.
I admit that with my last partner I stuck around for way too long because part of me was hoping that the relationship would grow into what I wanted it to be. What my heart wanted it to be, that he would change into the man that I knew he had the potential to be!
And then one evening as I lay in bed, I realised one year out from our scheduled wedding that there was no way I could spend the rest of my life with him. I was just being delusional that it would work out. Boy, am I glad that I made that decision, all he wanted to do was to get married and it didn’t matter to whom. He moved in with another chick six months after we broke up and was married within the year.
I will not settle for just any guy that comes along for the sake of it. I am not interested in being with someone just so I can say that I am getting married. Just so I can get out of my parent’s home, just to fill the void within myself with external stuff. Or just so I can show off my ring on Facebook so everyone can congratulate me. In my culture people would tell me how happy they are for me only to talk about me behind my back.
My community loves gossip and I’d be the flavour of the month till they find someone else to talk about (yes that is right, I am from an Eastern European background and with that comes a whole bunch of community bullshit to deal with when it comes to dating), another blog in itself....arranged dates, expectations, culture, pressure to get married, etc...
So yes, what I am trying to say is that although I don’t like being single right now, when I get this way, I remind myself that I would prefer to be on my own than in the wrong relationship (a miserable one) with the wrong man for the wrong reasons and with the wrong intent. There have been times when I have been in a committed relationship and felt so lonely. I don’t want to ever go there again. I would prefer to be on my own and have the freedom to do my own thing.
The other point I am trying to make is, when it comes to being single, I will not conform to the norms of society just to make my parent’s happy. Or to relieve my relative’s concerns that I will be left on the shelf. Or just so I can fit into the status quo of getting married and having kids by a certain age.
I can’t think of anything worse than being with someone that I am not compatible with. And until the right man comes along, I will do what I have to do and work on myself and get ahead in my life. I will try to have faith that it will happen one day and get on with my life. I am educated, attractive, outgoing, hardworking and have a lot to give to the right man, and I will not waste it on anybody that isn’t going to appreciate me and my package!
Oh God, do I have some funny stories to tell about my single experiences. I am so excited that there is finally a medium that allows me to share my personal experiences such as TheSingleLife.com. This is a place I can vent, swear and cry through my spoken words all from the bottom of my heart and without judgement or negativity.
Members meet me over in the community boards to continue this discussion. There's so much on my mind about this topic and I'm only just getting started!